Cultivating Quiet 2.0
What is your relationship to silence like? Do you love it? Hate it? Do you spend any time during the week deliberately in silence?
And how often do you feel like you are at your best?
If you are anything like me, you are probably all very busy people. However I feel that we are all TOO busy, and that we, as a society, are collectively missing out on a crucial part of what it is to be human.
In 2018 I spoke at LAST Conference about my journey “from Apathy to Intent”. The year that proceeded was far bigger than anticipated… with the birth of daughter number two, and not one, but two major changes in my career… and incredibly different workplaces to boot.
This found me needing to go deeper in one of the aspects of my previous talk, and as a result, I arrived at this place of personally “Cultivating Quiet”. This topic, is now far more dear to me, and something that I am more passionate about than ever.
So here we go!
So how many of you are perpetually busy like I can be?
At work, we rush from one thing to the next. Meetings, followed by more meetings followed by wondering when the work actually gets done… our calendars are a bit of a joke.
It can feel expected that we go go go all the time. We are so afraid of disappointing people or missing something important, that it gets harder and harder to say no.
Between parenting, sleep deprivation, mental health, cold & flu season… family stuff… conflict… any number of stressors…
Having a good day can feel like a pipe dream.
You can feel yourself tangibly getting older through sheer exhaustion.
Weekends and nights are suddenly more about recovery than anything else.
Our families get a version of us that is a shell of our real selves… Our best energy gone towards getting through the day.
Does this sound like how it should be?
Then, to make matters worse, when we’re that kind of busy, and feeling overwhelmed… Doing less just doesn’t feel remotely like an option.
It feels like you should have to DO something to fix all your problems and also meet all the expectations the world has of you.
DO enough. BE enough. KNOW enough…
Talk to someone.
Read self help books.
Go to talks, meetups, conferences
Listen to podcasts.
Self medicate.
Learn learn learn.
Do whatever it takes to fix it.
JUST FIX IT!
(All good things. But missing something)
We are also challenged by our companies, and society, to work smarter, not harder. But in reality that can go one of two ways, and often seem to become an excuse to milk the workforce…
“Work smart, for 7.6 hours per day… Or more… Definitely not less”.
“Work smart, as long as the company comes out ahead in every way”.
It may not necessarily be stated, but at the very least this is the pressure we put on ourselves, and sometimes each other.
Let me make this abundantly clear.
This is one of Brene Brown’s ten guideposts to wholehearted living (the other nine are just as wonderful)… that we MUST let go of this, and I wholeheartedly agree.
What if doing less was most responsible thing you could do?
Shouldn’t living a meaningful life at your best mean you have energy left to enjoy the people you love, and for them to enjoy you?
What if this is what was meant by working smarter? Working with what actually matters in mind?
Can we agree that there is nothing linear about the way we work now? We are relied on for our creativity and ability to take on big hairy problems… thanks to the way we think and operate.
As knowledge workers… your coalface is innovation. Every day is different and often quite unpredictable. We have complex, chaotic, broad, deep problems that we must contend with.
Sometimes the answers come in the form of epiphanies that can arrive any time of the day or night, or anywhere… and we should consider that in everything we do.
So what does it feel like to be at your best… to be switched on?
For me, I love it… that feeling of being present, mentally and emotionally available… passionate and inspired… building up those around me… optimistic… fun loving. Creative. Positive.
Learning is easier. Laughing is easier. Meeting people, and handling large groups isn’t nearly as exhausting. Challenges are fun and feedback in an opportunity to grow.
But when the stress is getting to me and my psychological safety is on the rocks… I am no longer able to bring my best.
Stress affects my ability to do the fundamental things that make me good at what I do. My focus is impacted, as is my motivation and ability to be present in the moment. My tolerance, patience, positivity, resilience, discernment… all take a hit.
I can become cynical, distant and numb.
This is my pattern. My spiral. If we know ourselves really well we know almost to the letter how we will respond in situations where life becomes too much.
In a lot of ways life, and career is like a vector… moving in a direction… at a particular velocity and trajectory as we navigate life…
But if you look a little closer we are simultaneously a repeating pattern — a spiral, that will show itself many times during our lives,
The seasons, stressors, and time spent adapting to changes in velocity will re-trigger the spiral at different junctions in our lives. (And probably any number of other things)
This is where the self-kindness rubber meets the road. We may want to be at our best all the time, and be able to give our best to the people in our lives we love most… All the while smashing it out of the park every day in everything that we do.
But if we are honest, that just isn’t possible… so what can we do?
A few months ago I was listening to what is easily my favourite podcast — You Made it Weird, with Pete Holmes. He interviewed Henry Winkler… The Fonz! As it inevitably does the topic of “the meaning of life” came up.
I’m not going to pretend it is the most profound thing I have ever heard… I read and listen to a lot of different things… but this was exactly what I needed in that moment, and I still find it powerful now… this is what he said:
“I now know, we only have a certain amount of time, in this body, in this energy, on this globe. If that is true, your job, which is the grand-daddy of all jobs as a human being, is to get out of your own way.
If you get out of your own neuroses, your eyes will be opened to all the possibilities of what you want to do and can do.
If you are not, if you are in your own way, if your crazyness overtakes your consciousness, and is the primary of your consciousness, you will be ineffective as a human being, as an… everything.”
There is more to the interview, and he goes on to talk about his personal method involving leaning back in his favourite chair, feet up, and listening to vinyl. I think a lot of us could get behind that.
But there it is. Get out of your own way… be quiet enough to move drama and neuroses aside in order to see your path… and be able to take it.
I love these serendipitous moments where somebody articulates exactly what you need to hear.
Sometimes, life has to just be about being. About acceptance — you are who you are, and where you are. That’s it.
Life (and career) cannot be only about doing.
The two sides of my personality I described earlier, are more like a couple of sides on a many-sided dice… neither of them alone define who I am, but BOTH are aspects of my personality that I have to come to terms with. Especially given we cannot consistently rely on the good stuff, it is super important we understand, can watch for, and mediate the harsh reality of our unfavourable characteristics.
It can feel easy as an individual that loves continuous improvement, to feel the need to always be on, always learning, always be having ideas and innovating — to see that as the goal.
To fix ourselves.
But we need to be kind enough to ourselves to recognize our limitations.
Rob Bell, in another Podcast (Episode 115: Seasons) introduced me to the concept of “Liminal Space”. If you google the term, this is what you will find:
… the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next.’ It is a place of transition, waiting, and not knowing. Liminal space is where all transformation takes place, if we learn to wait and let it form us.
Between seasons of life for sure… but maybe to a lesser extent between meetings, between home and the office… maybe even in between tv shows.
The challenge is to recognize this space.
Some block out “thinking time” in their calendar so they can then sit somewhere and do nothing but think.
I meditate daily (around 20 minutes), and have also been experimenting with walking meditations, and also on my commute.
Karen May, the vice president of people development at Google, takes one “mindful breath” before each meeting. That 6 seconds may seem insignificant, but it is more than a lot of us find time for…
So where can you find your liminal space? And how will you avoid the temptation to fill it in?
How will To make the most of it, by doing nothing, and not judging yourself for doing so.
Alan Watts (who I haven’t actually read yet) also came up in the discussion with Henry. After listening I found the reference was from his book “The Way of Zen”:
“Furthermore, as muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone, it could be argued that those who sit quietly and do nothing are making one of the best possible contributions to a world in turmoil.”
So there it is. Be still long enough, often enough, for the sediment to settle.
What does this look like in practice? You really have to leave it alone!
Manage your expectations of yourself (and others). Be kind as a rule.
Sometimes all the thinking, learning, talking… doing… compounds the problem.
Recognize when you are desperately searching for functional solutions to solve all your problems
Let go of your need to control, to be certain.
I’m not going to condescend to you and tell you about meditation and mindfulness like they are “new ideas”… Religious/spiritual or not, it has existed in one form or another, in every major religion, for hundreds of years.
Thanks to science it is also WAY more socially acceptable and no longer reserved for the “woo woo” types…
But however you look at it… A couple of things come up time and time again…
Firstly. We straight-up don’t make time for anything of the sort anymore. Stillness just isn’t a thing for a lot of us.
We will be still when we are sleeping… or dead!
Secondly, the barrier to entry feels really high. With the understanding I had — conceptually and practically speaking — it was easy to feel intimidated by the idea. As I’ve mentioned in the past, habit and discipline were basically my mortal enemies.
It is so easy to feel, in our busyness that we don’t have time for this kind of stuff. Sitting still and doing nothing.
But I ask you, what is the quality of the time you have right now like?
Do you spend your waking hours, in a hurry? Are you always doing, always “busy”?
To me, it is no way to spend a life.
What if you let yourself believe that sitting still and focusing on not much more than your breath was some of the best work you could do for your health, (at least brain-health)?
Would that be worth the small investment of time?
Time for a change in direction… here we go:
Try to keep in mind that there are 1440 minutes in a day…
When it comes to meditation, and getting started, it has been demonstrated that frequency is more important than duration. Especially to begin with… 5–10 minute a day is far more beneficial than doing it all in a big whack — especially if you’re not ready for it yet
The return on investment is also super high up to 30 minutes per day. And after that, while there is still clear benefit — I don’t want to diss the monks that meditate for hours at a time — there is a bit of a curve off.
Somewhere between 35 and 210 minutes a week… out of more than 10000 possible minutes… is all you have to find. As my wife and I would say to our daughter… “that’s 5 episodes of Bluey”
So what else are you likely to get out of making meditation a part of your routine? Because it is so much more popular now, it has been the subject of a whole bunch of studies. Some fun things to note are:
- It can reduce the size and changes the level of activity in your Amygdala (AKA the “Lizard brain”)… the emotion center of the brain where our fear and reactive emotions take hold. This is a very old portion of the brain that used to protect us from predators… but we don’t need that so much anymore.
- It also lowers cortisol levels, a stress hormone.
Both of these changes allowing you to be aware of emotions without immediately reacting or being consumed.
- Can slow/stall or reverse brain changes due to aging
- In monks who have practiced for many years, there has been a measurable increase in the amount of folds on the outer layer of the brain — which allows for greater processing of information
- Some studies have shown health/healing benefits, even at a cellular and chromosomal level
Attention, focus, presence, tolerance, self-awareness, ability to set goals, learning, memory, emotion, compassion and empathy — all increase. In fact the parts of the brain responsible for empathy and compassion THICKEN and become more effective.
Blood pressure, anxiety and mind wandering can lower as well.
Relationships, Mental health… cognitive biases, stress resilience all can show improvement.
This is basically a work out for your brain, but it has a bunch of other benefits too. You are re-wiring your brain as you introduce this discipline.
In fact, in terms of things that are beneficial to your brain, meditation is up near the top of the list alongside things like reading, physical activity and cognitive behavioural therapy.
The more you learn about the art of meditation… the more you run out of excuses as to why you can’t make it happen. That was true for me and it will be true for you too.
Meditation will give you back far more time than you commit to it. As the saying goes “Time spent in sharpening the axe may well be spared from swinging it”.
You will be more productive, you will make better use of your time… you will be more present and better able to focus. Not only that but you will be better able to be in the moment when you spend time with the people you love. How’s that for working smart?
I mean, did you know that the average human being has 50,000 thoughts a day (and you guys aren’t average!), and 90% of them are repetitive and useless? The same ones you had yesterday! Wouldn’t you love to reduce some of that mental load?
Now the rubber hits the road… Because you weren’t in the room, you’re going to have to take a few minutes and practice some mindfulness.
Now mindfulness in a way, is another tool that serves a purpose, and isn’t pure “quiet”… in a way this is still a form of “doing”. However it is a super helpful form of doing that will lower the barrier to entry for this kind of dedicated quiet time and eventually give way to a silence practice that you can own and define yourself.
Here is your opportunity to stand face to face with your elephant. To deliberately show up, and stop.
(You probably want to go and use an app, but I’m including parts of my guided meditation for the sake of continuity. Guided meditation is 100% the go for starting out)
If this is your first time, the thing to remember is we are learning to be present in the moment… which most people run from. Do you know why most people run from it? Because what comes up first is always the garbage and the noise. You have to stick with it.
Notice and avoid the desire to rush back to your devices. Make your posture awesome. Sit still for a while. Be curious about what is there that you don’t normally notice… The things that are there in the moment, even when you are not.
Pay attention to your breath. Breath is a perfect metaphor for the here and now, as each one only exists in the present. Its hard to be anywhere else when you are hanging out with just you and your breath.
Other visualisations really help me. Picturing my thoughts as boats on a river, or cars on a road, or a disobedient puppy that needs to stay on its mat… all of these teach you to observe your thoughts, suspend judgement, and send them in the right direction. Taking a step back from our thoughts and helps us realize that we are not our thoughts, we are just a consciousness that has them.
But that is really all there is to it for now. As with all these types of things… the hardest part is showing up.
It took me a hell of a lot of convincing, and priority shifting to get me to this point. Next step is, you get out there and do it yourself! How will you move the needle on some of the questions I asked at the beginning?
Happy to connect further, and there are a bunch of links and suggestions below that may help!
I hope each of you found this meaningful and valuable. It is a pleasure to help any way I can.
Thank you!
A WHOLE BUNCH OF RESOURCES AND STUFF
Mindfulness Tools
I have used
- Smiling mind (Made in Melbourne, and free!)
- Headspace (How can I resist the cartoons? The free trial is wonderful)
- Youtube (The mindful movement, and other random things)
- The Liturgists (Patreon paywall, some stuff on Google Music)
References
*Note: Some of these are written versions of things I have learnt, the initial studies are all over the place, but this might be easier to read.
Books
Podcasts (including some references)
Anything I missed or you think I should add, hit me up!
